another day

They seem so trivial and ordinary -these days God gives in grace - continuing to be fewer and fewer by design. My days have come slowly to the climactic ending in which they always reveal it's time to move on to the next lesson, friends, favorite food, new hair color. Not because who I have been isn't good enough, or who I've loved has changed, but because the character I am growing into demands my own reshaping and bending according to design.
       I found this random quote online in a recent search: "You are where you are today because you have chosen to be there." It has sense prompted some thinking - when does it not?
       If where we are in life is by choice, then at some point in the past the actions of others - though they may have influenced us - are not responsible for our choices thus far; but rather it is us who ultimately walk out in whatever at the time seemed to be the best option. Looking back I'm sure we all see things we don't appreciate about ourselves, and other things that while we share them are better off staying at the cross.
       So then if we can agree on this, let me post this question? What does it mean to walk out in victory past the Cross? Do we really know in our hearts what this truth looks like, or do we keep it in our back pocket like a "get out of jail free card?" It keeps there safe and sound, a theological idea more appt for those who could truly discern it's wisdom; we leave it like a precious gem laying just under the cover of ash waiting to be truly discovered and utilized. 
      

       Recently while driving, the Holy Spirit focused my attention on an idea to ponder. How many of those who seek help are not truly looking to be healthy but rather for fuel to survive another day of drudgery? And worse yet, how many of those who are "healthy" play into their plight with out considering what their hearts really need to hear? I put "healthy" in quotes to say that those who are truly healthy see through the deception of people who are only looking for a fix of attention and have been known to speak bold truth instead of applying Band-Aids to three inch deep wounds.
       I myself have been subject to such words of encouragement. They are given and meant to be received in love and compassion, and yes the Holy Spirit leads to allow for lessons learned and new boundaries made. However, I myself (and just in the last week) have been guilty of hearing such a message and knowing full well it was meant for my benefit chose to stay sick. 
       The whole of me knew full well the power of the truth spoken over my life, and knowing somehow made it so much easier to walk away from. The numb I felt was familiar and comfortable and having not experienced it in a while, I welcomed it with ease. It is bothersome to know I am so simple in my desires that I would chose lax depression over God's great victorious life breath. My heart has been broken over this in the last few hours as I've been reflecting on my choices and how much they have truly influenced my path thus far. 
      

       Watch what you say, think, feel, speak, and act out; for all of this will become your character. So watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

       Yes there are those of us who would never admit it, but if we had guilt free choice would rather stay sick then be healthy. But here I am on the other side of free; still living like I am in chains and it's as if what Yeshuah did somehow doesn't even matter. The disappointment in myself is more then I have ever had words to express. The conviction has been more then enough to snap out of my comatose like state and understand on a heart level the importance of being truly healed. I Praise the Lord that His Holy Touch has never left me especially in my blindness.
       Thank you Father that you are full of mercy and love, that you wait patiently for those you love to come around to see what is real and right and pure. You are truly worthy more then my words would do justice. Getting over the pain can be just that difficult, but Father why have you given us a promise if not for overcoming our weaknesses? And why be our God if not to be strong through our trials? And why our Father if You are not meant to hold and carry us when we need You most? So this day, this hour I stand in awe, and praise you from the bottom of my heart for everything you are about to accomplish in this broken jar. Your hands, covered in slip and water, are welcome and trusted Abba. I love you! I am yours to hold, mold, refine, and create. You are mine to admire with every life breath. Let it be your will as I have spoken that you may be given glory and I might truly know your Majesty.
        in Your Precious name Yeshuah -amen.

        ...more to come.

GOD IS in Control! (Part I)

       There is a song by Twyla Paris entitled, "God is in Control." At some point when I find out how to write that particular piece of HTML I'll add her song into my collection.
       For now the point is that no matter what happens in our lives, God is fully and completely in a position of awesome understanding. He is always relevant to our needs, never failing in His grace to our wants, and always abounding in love for our brokenness. What an Awesome God we serve. 
       For the last two weeks so much has taken place in my life that I can not describe it all accurately as I would like too. However there are some events that could possibly be a blessing to those who read and understand the lessons behind them.
       I met a young boy named Habakkuk who lives in Africa with his sister Neltee. This strong young man came to me one day on My Space Messaging and asked not for help in any physical way but for help through prayer. As we prayed I could sense The Holy Spirit at work, I knew He was pouring Himself our in to their lives through the words He instructed me to type. However He also instructed me to not only pray, but follow through on what scripture says when in Matthew Jesus said to not only give your brother a blessing, but to feed and cloth him as well.

       "What good are we if we simply say to our brother, "Be of good cheer, and have a blessed day? Stay warm and eat well," and yet do nothing to satisfy the need for which we are praying? What then should we think of ourselves, we who have been given so much?" (Paraphrased.)
       At the time I had $140. dollars in my pocket to spend however I wanted. I have gone without food before, but never a day without being fed. I have been without housing, but never without a warm place to sleep. I have been dirt poor but never without the love of God's people. Habbak (as he has come to be known to me) doesn't even have that. He and his sister have been turned away from countless refugee hospitals, food banks, and churches for lack of money. That is not to say that I could have sent him the $140. Sitting in my wallet; to the contrary my sending anything would raise suspicion and money itself in any form would bring death to him and his sister.
God understood this and had pressed on my heart ways to get around the security checks, and evil politics waiting for anything I would send for their benefit.

However I didn't listen. When given the opportunity to reach out, not only in faith through prayer but in faith through action -which brings faith to life- I chose instead to think only of myself. Instead of choosing obedience in following through on my promise to do what I could if anything were possible - which indeed it was - I joined a group of friends at a mall to spend money on myself. Eight hours after praying over Habakkuk and his sister (who by the way is currently suffering from malaria due to malnutrition and lack of clean water) I was sitting in the Syracuse Mall Food Court eating Taco Bell.

Before you dismiss this as simply being a lesson in life and letting yourself move on to the next thing, ponder this: if you were them would you feel like I abandon you? Before you dismiss them by using typical petty excuses, understand that Habakkuk never asked me for money, in fact had I sent him any in any form it would have meant his life and possibly that of his sisters. Though it would be so easy to believe that some people are like all the others we group together unjustly as if they are all "paid" to search out naive young Americans, I have an obligation (that I should have willingly accepted) to search out those in need and fill what need I can through what provision The Lord has blessed me with. 
 
       Not only did I forsake a direct instruction from The Lord, but I then tried in myself to deny that I had acted that way. Habakkuk found me online again asking, pleading for my support in any way I could or would be willing to offer it. Again, I felt the pull of the Holy Spirit in my heart, knowing I had the recourses to do what He'd asked of me.  And again, I walked away and tried to pretend that I wasn't "spiritually prepared" to help.

"Are you KiDDING ME?! WHAT A LIE!" *Says to self really loudly*

     Today I am fully aware that it is never our job to question whether or not God has got it all together. "Can I not do with you as the potter does?" can He not mold and shape, cut away and require of us what is necessary for the benefit of those He loves as He does us? But not only to state my short comings, know that this choice has already begun to show it's fruit; as do all our decisions whether for Self or God.
     Three days after my second chat with Habakkuk, I was silently abandoned by people I had come to trust. While that is an entirely different situation, the pain I had in my heart only echoed the pain my brother and sister in Africa have been feeling the last two years they've been surviving at the refugee camp. My point being, what goes around comes back around... and around. 
    

"Because of rebellion, the host of the saints and the daily sacrifice were given over to it. It prospered in everything it did, and truth was thrown to the ground." -Denial 8:12

     Do not let yourself become filled with such subtle rebellion that your own needs and desired trump over those who need the faith of the saints to encourage them to life. Be aware of our day and time, and know our place as God's earthen vessels make of clay, that we might humble ourselves before our God and draw near; that our enemy might flee from us and our selfish ambition might be refined into pure motives.

     To my dear sister Neltee and my strong brother Habakkuk, forgive me please for having failed you? Show me grace that you might save yourself from bitterness, and give me the impossible second chance that I might show you my faith by my deeds? I love you both and pray for you continually and without stopping. Hang on to your focus on our Lord as I work in His will here to fulfill the promise I made to you; that His word would not come back void, and mine to you would not be a disappointment and drain your refreshing.  

        ...more to come.

confessions

Scripture says (indirectly) you are only as healthy as your deepest secret, and to confess to brothers in the faith to be rebuked when needed, encouraged and built back to a place of wholeness. Hence my posting here:

This year I made a conscious choice to free from my life all drama, filth, and junk that might be lying around inside, making life way more difficult then it might need to be. This was inspired by the realization that every choice made from here on in, will directly effect how the Lord will be able to use me; because it will directly affect my life’s willingness and sensitivity to His Spirit.

Even that is a mouth full and makes me feel overwhelmed. So my intention for posting is to publicly humble myself and be honest about my sin so I have nothing to hide before Yahweh; because if I do, and it keeps me from moving on, it will brake my heart.

So here are some things you all can be praying for if you feel so lead:

1) I'm an incredible liar. Not boldly or outright, but I do to cover myself from being hurt or wounded in uncomfortable situation; and I need it to stop.

2) I struggle with fear badly. I constantly doubt even though I know what truth is, and have been given evidence and have confidence.

3) lust and I have been best buds for yeas, and since I cut "him" out of my life the struggle has become intense. It has eaten away at my comment sense, my imagination, and all ability to truly know purity or see it in anyone else.

4) I'm a selfish little wanker. the other day I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to brush the snow off my boss’s car, as she is a little old lady who can get cold really easy. Because some of my co-workers were in the lot, I drove by wanting to stop by not actually acting on it.

5) The anger in my life could fill three oceans. enough said there.

6) I hate to be vulnerable, it seems needy and wimpy and downright ridiculous. So I keep people out of my life in a matter of safety, and have recently found myself to be very much alone.

That should be enough to chew on for the time being.

"A man who is right needs no defense, and a man who is wrong has none." -Neil T Anderson. Common

Sycophantic Boob's Club

Since I was old enough to walk I have worked. My first job in Retail was at 19, and since then I've learned a lot and continue to learn every shift. So I say that as a pre curser to what I'm about to rant. It is probable that you are on one of two sides of the CSR (Customer Service Rep) fence. Either you believe that most in Customer Service today have no freaking clue what their title actually means, or, you are an avid promoter of the Sycophantic Boob's Club. For those of us who may have never heard of this club, but are an unknowingly proud member, allow me to shed some light.

There is a certain internet company (to be named later - if I'm feeling cruel) who has proven to me for the last time that those who have been hired as Tech support have no idea what their doing. I spoke with four Techs today and every one of them sent me to someone else to fix my problem. To make it worse, I ended up figuring out the problem while on the phone with one of them. I used to troubleshoot and love to mess around with my lap top, and all I really wanted was a second opinion and sadly they couldn't even give me that. In my frustration I wrote a hypothetical pledge, the same taken every day by those I work with, some I work for, and others who wish that they didn't have to work at all. So here is to all of you – you know who you are. 

The Pledge:

I __insert respective name here__ herby induct myself into the Sycophantic Boob's Club.

I pledge to live up to the lowest standards set by my fellow slackers, and to fully comply with the requirement of procrastination. I accept my lack of responsibility as a reflection of my dedication in coming to work cranky, moody, and in search of a painless quick buck. I solemnly swear to respond to customers in the utmost rude, dictative, and hostile manner possible. I do promise, to be board and remain annoyed throughout simple transactions and while answering customer concerns.

I consider it my duty to use ignoring and distracting tactics when dealing with customers I think are stupid,

who treat me unfairly, or Managers who want me to actually work. When dealing with an unpleasant customer,

I promise to pass them off on my manager in order to avoid personally satisfying their request. 

It is my honor to bombard the Customers with loads of useless information that doesn't pertain to their needs or desires, 

but instead proved my wealth of knowledge about nothing important. I submit my effort as an investment

in my future; a future of getting to the top by stepping on those who actually give a care.

While handling phone calls, I will never go above and beyond my job requirements, and submit

to give only the minimum required information based on my scripts. And knowing my self imposed limitations, I pridefully and selfishly accept this sad excuse for a challenge – so (don’t) help me.

Whenever I get a customer who seems completely unmanageable, all I have to do is remind myself that those three dollar shirts she just exchanged for the $15 pants I had to track down, are paying for my ride home; not to mention the KFC stop on the way and the internet bill to post this. So if "King Slacker" applies to you in anyway, just be honest with yourself, your better off getting a dead end job in a mail room - paper doesn't ever talk back.  

The pain I thought I'd never feel again...

In the past there have been life events that have been so painful and overwhelming my heart felt as though it might never even begin to heal. For anyone who reads this and is not into being scary honest, I suggest you don't read any further as I'm not holding back.

For the last three months I have been trying to find a full time job that will allow me to live comfortably on my own while still paying off debt in a considerably short amount of time. During this process I have had plenty of offers, lots of leads, and the places where I applied to the costs of living were well within my budget. However, each lead I followed came at some point to a dead end, not because the company or persons didn't pursue me, but because I told them I was going to look at some place else. I cut the cord. Last night I figured out why.

During December I met a group of people who run a Kiosk in the mall here, and they wanted me to come work for them. The company is a well known provider of Dead Sea Products that include mineral, facial, and nail treatments; spa type items; for a decent price considering how much they go for otherwise. They are world wide, and have a web site devoted to their products that allows customers to keep informed about new items, ect. I had been invited to spend Hanukah with them and got to know them somewhat. Yesterday, one of their employees called me and let me know the company wanted me to fly to Delaware for five or so days to train so I could come back and work in the mall here. They would pay for the plain flight, and pick me up at the air port; they said they would also provide housing while I was there training, and after I came back if I needed it. This was a huge opportunity, even though it was a commotion only job (which means if you don't sell anything you don't get paid.) I had no problem with that, as I am 110% confident in my selling ability. My apprehension was taking the risk - but I was willing to step out and go for the sake of trying something new and being able to expand my work history.

Last night at around 10pm I called Anat to confirm the plain out of Syracuse to Delaware. After we had worked out everything, I made the mistake of calling my parents to let them know I would be out of town for the next week and I would see them when I got back. My Dad called me back saying to come over that he needed to talk with me. When I got to the house Mom was in bed, and Dad was in his "I feel like playing Daddy" mood. Now up to this point in my life my relationship with my family has been shit, and my parents and I have always been at odds - though I was their favorite and the one they cling too, and my love for them goes deeper then I can verbally express. So recently I had been praying about it (over about three year’s time) and I felt it necessary to show them grace and learn how to honestly respect and love them better.

When I went flat line (died) in 2003 from an allergy reaction, God spoke to me while I was between life and death. I begged Him to take me to His side, to let me die, and He refused with tears. He said to me, "If I were to except you into death, I would then have to turn you away from my presents, and you would not stay with me. You have so much bitterness in your heart against those who have wronged you, and because of that bitterness you would be cast from me forever. But if I bring you back to life, you will learn to show them mercy, you will know how to forgive and they will be healed." Then He stayed there with me until I made my choice. I remember crying, feeling tears run down my face though I wasn't in my body, and my heart broke knowing He was right and I had to let Him finish what He started or it would all be pointless. He put one hand on the inside of my right arm, and the other on my forehead; all I saw was light, and then felt a prick from an IV. He breathed into me and I woke up shivering from being naked on the ER table. My mission after that was to reconcile with my family members, all who would let me; and somewhere in the process I turned from one extreme to the other by letting myself become a people pleaser.

In my quest to show forgiveness that I might gain it, I have become a "yes man," when I have been made to be a speaker of truth. Last night proved this. My Dad sat there trying to be cozy with me like this special talk was a regular occurrence. He went into great detail about his intentions to sabotage my car if I chose to drive to Syracuse; how he wanted to take a gun and go find these people who work for the company and tell them to give me back to him. Mom had nothing different to say, all her words were filled with fear and worry, and needless pathetic panic because neither one of them could control the situation but they still wanted desperately to try to do so. By the time my Dad got around to accusing me of not being a child of God, and told me that God wouldn't back me up if I chose to go to Delaware, I was fed up with hearing his lies and manipulation and walked out.

Out of respect for them both, I chose not to go and missed the flight. Today I got a call from Anat asking me where I was, that she was at the air port waiting and I wasn't on the flight. Explaining that I had emailed her, but failed to call because it had been almost 2am by the time I left my folks house, I almost started to cry when I heart the anger in her voice. I knew I let her down. She had every right to be upset; this legitimate business transaction fell through because I couldn't get up the guts to just do my own thing. After getting off the phone with Anat I called my Pastor and met with him within the next hour. He and the Youth Pastor sat with me and we talked about all that had taken place, and he called me on the fact that I am an adult and obedience is no longer a factor when referring to my parents; meaning I am no longer accountable to them for my choices. This will sound silly, but up until today I didn't realize that was true. God alone is my true accountability. He also told me first thing, that my best option is to move away as soon as possible. This broke my heart - because I've known this for some time but chose to stay thinking it would help things. Now it looks like I am hurting things more then healing them.

So now that my heart is busted, and I am once again overwhelmed, I have decided to get the heck out of here - and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but it's time. I can't stop crying, and this has set my depression into overdrive. My mom called me twice today, both times I told her I didn't want to talk to her - and normally I would care about how she'd take that, but this time she and God can work that out. I'm done. I'm finished playing the perfect daughter roll, trying not to step on their toes, being careful not to speak boldly in their direction. I told my Dad last night that I was deeply hurt he would not trust me to make the right choice, and assume that I wouldn't do my research before traveling to work for someone; letting him know that my heart was broken from lack of support on his part, yielded no response from either of them.

What angered me most was understanding in this moment when any normal Adult could expect their parents to show support for their pursuit of a new job, mine did nothing but hold me back and spout negativity and fear. And any time before this, when I have truly needed them and would have been grateful for any wisdom -even if it was misguided - they were no where to be found, and indeed shied away from the task of parenting me. They did not raise me to be a citizen of Heaven, or independent of them able to pursue God's will for me; no, they raised me to be a citizen of small town values and cheep opinions, and dependent on their approval. Knowing this I fully intend to change it - but knowing this makes me nothing short of physically sick.  

...more to come (God willing)